reclaiming me

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I have a credit from Eddie Bauer (my “reward” for the shopping I did last Fall), and I decided that since none of my clothing is fitting correctly, I should buy a pair of jeans that fit me, as I am right now.

The 12 wouldn’t. even. zip. up.

The 14 *just* fit.

Whose body is this?

The 14, honestly, did look good, even though I’d have to shorten the hem by a few inches. They were from the 1/2-off rack, so only $20. With my credit, they’d cost me less than $2. I can hang with that, even for a pair of jeans that are a freaking. size. fourteen.

I got to the register, to discover that (unlike at REI), handing over my membership card wasn’t sufficient to use my credit. The jeans stayed behind, and we left. Oh, and the clothes that I bought in the fall that all looked so fabulous on me? Sizes 8, 10, and 12…and I can barely put a pinkie toe in them.

I’m pissed. More accurately, I’m depressed — angry, turned inward. Again, whose body is this, anyway?

I will be measuring tomorrow.

Tags: Bitch and Moan by Allison
No Comments »

I did something really, really stupid this morning.

I stepped on my husband’s scale. This is stupid for a few reasons:

• Weight doesn’t matter. Depending on my body composition, I could span 2-3 different sizes *at least* at the same weight. With T-Tapp, I’m building muscle, so of *course* I’m going to seem heavy.
• My jeans are still tight. See item 1, combined with item 2, and not only is my body composition more muscular, but it’s also taking up more space.
• Mike’s scale weighs in a good 3 pounds or so heavier than the one I was using before

The end result? One hundred fifty-five. What? I haven’t weighed that much in more than 2 years! Seriously, people.

I love what T-Tapp is doing to my energy levels, my muscle tone, and my overall sense of wellness. But that said, I’d really like my clothes to fit. I bought some lovely slacks at Eddie Bauer back in November, and I’d wager that they won’t fit me right now. Granted, my body shape is better now than then, but I want my clothes to *&^%ing fit!

Earlier, I re-read Jeanne’s success story (may not link to the correct story after April, fyi) — one the covers a span of 2 years — and it was encouraging to me. But for real, this is turning into a total act of faith on my part. Will my body ever get the point?

Tags: Daily Log, Bitch and Moan by Allison
2 Comments »

Mike has headed to the airport to be gone for two weeks on business. Maya is down for a nap. It’s time for me to start working out again.

I headed over to my T-Tapp schwag basket to grab the TWO case — I want to do the first week of a bootcamp with Instructionals 1 and 2 back-to-back. I opened the case and *gasp* the second DVD isn’t there. SIGH. When I put in a movie for Maya up in Colorado, I apparently set the DVD somewhere besides in the case. So much for the instructionals — or for a DVD-led TWO.

On the bright side, my copies of SATI/SITTM have arrived. Guess I’m not starting my instructional boot camp until later. Perhaps until then, I can do TWO on my own, slowly.

Again, SIGH.

Tags: Bitch and Moan by Allison
No Comments »

Well, the 60-day challenge (which I was kind of considering as a big kick-in-the-pants for myself) has been pushed back yet again. On the bright side, that means that I could truly do the four weeks/one month of schedule as AnaLee has suggested, and still — if it seems to make sense, that is — do a bootcamp for the beginning of the challenge.

I can’t believe I still have one more day during which I’ve committed to not Tapping. I’m going into withdrawal.

Tags: T-Tapp, Bitch and Moan by Allison
2 Comments »

Yesterday, I was grouchy. As a part of that, I didn’t do diddly-squat for working out. Of course, that’s silly, since a workout would have likely helped my mood, but hey, it is what it is. I did nada.

The fat shift is beyond old, I look simply *awful* undressed (like, more ripples and bumps), and I’m ready for my jeans to get looser, thankyouverymuch.

Today, I woke up feeling more motivated:

• Instructional #1
• Hoe Downs
• Core Series
• Diva Derriere
• Awesome Legs
• More Hoe Downs
• Hoe Downs again after lunch

As blobby as I’m still feeling, who knows? Maybe I’ll work even MORE hoe downs in there later today. Then again, probably not. I’ve still got work to finish, and I have about an hour left before time to pick up the kidlet! Maybe if I start to get tired…

On the food front, I’ve slacked on the no-dairy experiment. Since I’ve done absolutely NO controlling, I’m unsure if it’s related, but my skin has broken out (face - jawline and chin) and the itchiness I had behind the knees and up the inner thighs has returned with a vengeance. I think that I should give it another try — for at least two weeks this time — but I have such issues with the idea of giving up dairy. It makes me angry. I LOVE cheese. I adore ice cream. I like creamy/fatty sauces, especially when mushrooms and wine are involved. Giving up dairy would mean that I’d have to live on stir fry, it feels!

Anyway, to that point, the grand dairy experiment is on hold. I’m still keeping one part of it: no milk to drink. Milk in recipes, okay. Milk in my coffee, no. Soy milk is surprisingly fantastic in coffee, and Trader Joe’s organic, non-sweetened SM is very reasonably priced.

Tags: Daily Log, Bitch and Moan, Self-Motivation, Feeding Myself by Allison
3 Comments »